Friday, February 10, 2012

I Am Furious (Yellow)

I've been angry more than usual lately. I somewhat feel guilty about it. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it because that only makes me feel worse. I've said before that it's easier to just feel angry than it is to be confused. It's a form of escapism, in a way.

I feel almost like Homer Simpson, or at least Bart's version of Homer in the Angry Dad comic he made. I'm Homer and I have Clayton Bigsby sitting on my right shoulder saying, "Don't let the liberal media tell you how to think and feel. If you have hate in your heart let it out!" On my left shoulder sits Darth Vader: "Feel the power of the dark side."

Not that anger is necessarily bad. It can at times be useful. I can actually be a pretty good motivator as long as you don't get so steamed up that you can't do anything. I really think that all of our emotions can be good in moderation. The "in moderation" part is important. Being angry all the time is tiresome like holding a shield to deflect a dragon's flame. Sooner or later your arms are going to give out, and then you get burned.

So why am I angry? It's mostly my fault. I never learned how to set boundaries for myself properly. Partially it's because I'm so easy going. For many things in life, I just couldn't care less about them. Some people might think I don't care about anything, but when one of the things that I really do care about gets crossed. I take it personally. I try to be nice about it, but then I stew it over.

I try to tell myself to stop. If a thought is not useful I try to tell myself just that: "Stop. This is not a useful line of thinking. Lock it in a box and forget it." Sometimes it's just not that easy to do. Distraction can help. I can watch a comedy, make a dumb photoshop of Homer, Clayton, and Vader, write in this blog, or listen to the most relaxing song ever. A friend of mine just called and told me her problems. It seems that listening may be a way to distract yourself from anger because I feel better now.

I think what I feel guilty about the most is that I've let my anger slow down my progress in some of my projects, but I shouldn't even feel guilty about that. I should just be more dedicated. I should get to work. I'm only 7,500 words into my novel, and creativity is good for the soul.

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